i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
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I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize