It's like God shit irony all over that family
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
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Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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