When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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