is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
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I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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