Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
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hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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