party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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