He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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