Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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