I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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