I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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