I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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