Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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