Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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