Apparently you make a good broom.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
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It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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