i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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