hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize