God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize