I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
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Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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