i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
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Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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