Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
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i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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