I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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