My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
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Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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