you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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