i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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