I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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