yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
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We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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