can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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