I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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