he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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