Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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