I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
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Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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