You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
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There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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