I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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