I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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