Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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