Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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