my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
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YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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