He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
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The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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