They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
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The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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