yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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