thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
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i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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