i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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