I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
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Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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