Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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