508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
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I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
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We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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