Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize