Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
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being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize