i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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