I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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