They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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